I remember laying in bed as a child, thinking about death. It seemed so far away. So in the future, and something I would not have to worry about for years and years. I remember thinking of what it would be like after my mom was gone, and it scared me to death. But again, why worry now? Right?
Well, it has been years, and now I am facing the reality of my maternal grandmother health is failing, and it is failing fast. See, my Nana has always been one of high energy. This year she turned 87, and she has always been very active. Walking her dog around the neighborhood, running to the grocery store, going out to eat, planning her class reunion, and keeping busy with her yard work. But that has all come to an end. At the end of September, Nana took a fall that has changed her life. In that short period of time, she has gone from complete independence, to living in Long Term Care at the hospital.
She had two falls. One outside and one in the bathtub. She never told anyone about the falls. It was not until her leg started to ache that she disclosed what actually happened. They did all the tests that were possible and they never found the source of the pain, but she could not even stand on it. She was in and out of the hospital for months, and even a relative took her on, but it was to much for one person. The decision was made to put her in Long Term Care where she will reside for the remainder of her life.
This is beyond heartbreaking to watch. Last night, Larry and I went to visit her. She shares a room with 3 other ladies. She greeted us with a huge smile and introduced us to her roommates. She was sitting on her bed eating a carrot, which is one of her favorite foods. Larry sat on the chair and I sat on her bed. Thus, began our visit. At first I was taken back by how frail she was. I was surprised when she told me that she no longer desires to go down to the dining hall to eat, she prefers to eat in her room. She told us that she does not want to participate in BINGO, or any other games or activities provided. She wants to sit in her little corner and just be! How could someone so social not want to socialize? Where did my Nana go? And, I want her back!
As we were talking, I looked at Larry. He was in deep conversation with Nana. My mind drifted to thoughts of...this could be me someday. Someday, Larry may not be here and I will be alone in this type of environment. My eyes filled with tears. I can't imagine not having him around everyday. I can't imagine saying goodbye to him. But reality is, that someday that could happen. Why is it that we have to endure this type of pain? Why can't people die together? Why does the end of life have to be so cruel?
Nana said she has had to make some very hard decisions. Like putting her house up for sale that she has lived in since she was first married almost 70 years ago. And also coming to the realization that she won't ever live there again, surrounded by the things that mean the most to her. Instead, she will live out the remaining years in a little corner with a small tv and a serving tray. This literally breaks my heart.
During our visit, Nana said that she has to accept this way of life because now it is time for someone to take care of her. And she is right. She can't live alone and she needs to be safe. Plus, she has spent her whole life taking care of everyone else. This is so true. I am amazed at how people are so eager to take care of a new baby but yet so reluctant to take care of the elderly. Are they really not one in the same? Both need love, nurturing, daily care, and most of all attention. They need human contact and to know they are loved. They need guidance, support and to know they matter, to know they worthy, to know their life meant something.
For now, I will continue to visit Nana and in hopes I always get just "one more visit." I promise not to ignore her, and tell her everyday how much I love her and appreciate her. Because at some point, I will never get this chance again. I want her to know just what she meant to me and how much I have cherished every second I have had with her. I promise to make her "End of Life" a good one.
With a sad heart in Pickford,
Shelby
No comments:
Post a Comment